The Reluctant DILF…Balance

by Christopher T. Wood

in COMEDY

Monologist, Christopher Wood gets in bed with you to explore the tenuous balance between men and women when they perform that special ballet. Read it. Watch it. Or both.

The Reluctant DILF

His.
My name is Christopher. And if years and years of romantic failure have taught me anything, it’s this. With respect to some of life’s colder encounters, (ie: the blind date, the chance meeting), balance is your friend. Move forward, yes, but so fast that you butt heads? No. Laugh, sure, but not some open mouthed, table pounding monstrosity. That just celebrates your own hilarity while she’s stuck counting your cavities and dodging your spit. Slow down. Remember, she’s probably more skittish about the situation than you are. All you’re trying to do is gently lead her to the next coffee or late night cupcake. And don’t neglect yourself. Balance your desire to charm her with your need to ensure that she has that certain something which works for you. It could come from anything. A word. A gesture. A name. A name like… Sheila. Yeah. Now, if she’d have me, I’d do a cupcake with a Sheila. Balance.

Hers.
My name’s not Sheila. But if years and years of romantic success have taught me anything, it’s this. With respect to life’s warmer encounters, (ie: you know), balance is your friend. Like balancing the dishonesty of using a false first name against one’s desire to hip check a thinking man’s mind from the overly contemplative to the more adventurous. I mean, whoever day dreams about last night’s cupcake. But, careful now, with haste often comes surprise. Like the surprise you feel when, mid adventure, the first black man you’ve “spent time with” in over 15… over 10 years sees fit to shout out, “I am Thor. Can you feel my thunder? Can you feel my thunder? Can you…?” Hey. I’m game. But what’s my move? Do I come back in full throated Norwegian with a little, “{Yes, my Thunder God! May your heavenly rains drench my fertile valley}”. A response like that may push a true Nordicphile to a slightly premature response or a “loss of focus”. It’s best just to split the baby and keep it simple with, “{Oh Daddy. Oh Daddy. Oh Daddy.}” That’s the kind of phrase a thinking man will translate right on time. Balance.

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Christopher T. Wood

Christopher T. Wood has been an actor in Hollywood since the tender young age of 36.  He has appeared in numerous commercials, television shows and films and has been loving every minute of it.  He has been known to spontaneously break out into uncontrollable laughter while sitting at what others might describe as a boring audition.  The prevailing theory as to why this occurs is that he has just remembered he used to be a corporate lawyer on Wall Street for eight years and has now been retired for ten.  He thinks that's very funny.

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