Slut O’ Ween for Guys

Yesterday I received a Party City catalog and decided to check out my costume options for this year–Saucy Ninja, Trampy Teletubby, Vampire Street Walker…same ole, same ole. The catalog I WISHED I was looking at was the one for men–where are their Slut O Ween costumes? This wonky Pirate has far too many clothes on, not to mention his creepy moustache and nappy wig; and the Superman suit could make even the fittest dude look like a hazed frat boy in baggy jammies.

Suddenly I find myself fantasizing about my UPS man and realize that for certain men, every day is Mach O Ween.  Here are my top ten picks for sexy costumes you can find all year long–lucky us!

10. Military Men:

 

I’ll take any of ‘em. Fancy dress up suits, gritty camouflage, Navy Seal scuba gear; I’m in.  These dudes can save the country and build a house–while holding a very scary weapon and looking mighty tough. We owe these men more than we can ever repay them…but I know a few ladies who’d like to give it a running shot!

9. Personal Trainers :

Who knew elastic waist pants and a hoodie could look so good? That spin instructor with the ripped thighs and spandex pants? Love. Polo shirt trainer with the full sleeve of tattoos and shredded calves? Adore. Kickboxing coach who always seems to be too hot for his tank top? Priceless. Kudos to you, boys, for keeping us fit and flooded with endorphins.

8. Policemen :

When you are in danger, they save you. If you need a donut shop recommendation, they have one. Their pants are tights, and their aviators keep us wondering what their naughty eyes are thinking. “Officer, I think someone’s stolen my heart…”  (couldn’t resist)

7. The Car Mechanic :

A few years ago, while visiting a friend out of state, we popped into her local auto body shop to ask a question about a funny noise her car was making. After the visit, I was convinced she’d thrown a screw in the engine herself. Sauntering out of the garage in a one piece zip up jumpsuit, the man looked like he’d stepped out of  a Herb Ritts photo. If he’d been carrying two tires, I may have peed my pants on the spot. Needless to say, he quickly found and remedied the problem for no charge. Well, she may have paid him at a later time…

6. Cowboys :

Yes, ladies, they ARE real.  Tight Wranglers, polite accents and strong thighs from all those years atop a pony; these are the things dreams are made of. Sure he can sling a bale of hay with a smirk on his face and wipe his brow with authenticity reserved for few, but will he pop open a beer and swing on the porch with you on a warm summer night? You bet your boots. Saddle up, darlin’, it’s gonna be a long night.

5. EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) :

About 18 years ago I was in a very serious car accident on my way to Vegas–a man crossed over to the wrong side of the highway and hit us head on. Luckily, we both escaped the car and were wandering around in a lost haze when the EMTs arrived.  “Oh, wow, we thought you guys were dead…” the first one kindly shared. After breathing a huge sigh of relief, he began strapping us to boards and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. “Seriously, you guys, you should be so happy right now. You really dodged a bullet somehow.”  I think we both sobbed the entire way to the hospital, but this guy never gave up trying to make me smile. If I hadn’t been traumatized beyond comprehension, I would have bought him a drink for being such a sport. I actually tried to find him later to thank him, but the hospital said they didn’t know who brought us in (sure). Thank you, Mr. EMT, for lighting the way for me see each and every one of you as the sexy (and sweet) life savers you are.

4. Sparklets Water Delivery Man :

Although you hadn’t thought of it, now you have. When I was in college my girlfriend and I lived in a second floor duplex, and every week Mr. Sparklets would knock on the door and carry two bottles (at once) up the stairs in his tight shorts. It didn’t hurt that he looked like Rock Hudson and had calves like a professional soccer player. Wow, if only there was a way to search Facebook for “the hot guy that used to deliver my water.” Maybe I need to get water service again…

3. Pirates :

I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.  I think we can all agree that despite the whole violent, homeless moochie thing and disgusting poor hygiene; pirates are hot. Moving on…

2. Doctors :

Don’t tell my doctor, but there was a time I was kind of into him. I have a rare disease and once when I was in with my specialist for treatment (in the middle of the night) he came strolling into my room in low slung scrubs and a grey tshirt, hair tousled, and wearing glasses instead of contacts. If I hadn’t been feeling terrible, I would have been making him uncomfortable with drugged innuendo. You are ill and they make you better–it’s the sexiest thing ever.

1. Firemen :

This type of man transcends race, culture, and class.  I have never met a woman who said, “Firefighters? Eh. I could take em or leave em.” Seriously, ask everyone you know and report back.  They work out, save you from fires, and look really sexy flipping pancakes. Here’s a tip–if you haven’t been to a firehouse pancake breakfast, GO. Do not think about it, just go. Accidentally leave your husband and children at home, and ask for a tour of the station. As you follow him from room to room in his dark blue slacks that snuggle his backside in all the right places, feel free to fake an ankle sprain so he’ll carry you and you can smell his Old Spice. It’s like your birthday, and it’s free. You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween! Dress like a slut and go grab yourself a shirtless Vampire. Here’s a bonus Magic Mike video featuring a few of our top ten faves–enjoy!