Blood Diner: In 7 Scenes

Blood Diner is a horror movie that defies expectations. That is, if your expectations are the typical “don’t go down the basement stairs” or “don’t walk through those dark woods alone” and “don’t be an idiot” shout at the screen type expectations. What Blood Diner gives you is cannibals and vegetarians (sometimes even in the same scene), bikers, ventriloquist dummies and Nazi wrestlers. Nazi wrestlers! Best of all, it features an easy to sit through 84 minute run time. There will be spoilers ahead. In fact, I already mentioned the Nazi wrestlers. But don’t worry, you’ll need to watch this yourself to truly appreciate the madness. Prepare for a twisted tale as we break down Blood Diner in seven scenes.

While Mom is at the market purchasing personal items, two kids entertain themselves with play-dough before turning their attention to hypnotizing the family dog. It is a scene somewhat reminiscent of the Dharma compound on Lost. Crazy Over You by the Calfanes plays in the background (which I highly recommend you play in the background while reading this). But before they can get Sparky to bark on command we’ve got a rattling door knob and a news bulletin about a killer on the loose.

Just three minutes into the film and already someone is wielding a knife. We might have seen the psychotic killer at the two minute mark, but it took considerable effort to hack through the door. If only he had looked under the mat for the key, he could have saved himself some time and the home owners a few bucks in repair bills.

Did I say that Blood Diner defied horror movie expectations? Prepare, because despite the standard opening, this one goes off the rails fast. What starts as a typical maniac on the loose killing sorority girls quickly devolves into a demented series of scenes that boggle the mind.

Back to the living room, and the kids are not the least bit alarmed because, despite being covered in blood and holding a meat cleaver, it is merely their eccentric Uncle Anwar who has come to surprise his two favorite nephews with a visit.

Don’t pay attention to how Uncle Anwar looks. Instead, listen to his beautiful voice as he breaks into song and surprises the two young boys with a book on (foreshadowing alert!) Black Magic and Vanished Cultures. Just what every impressionable young child wants as a gift. Only it seems as if these two really are appreciative.

He also gives them some 5 million year old jewelry. More items that apparently were on their Amazon wish list. Which is pretty crazy, because, according to Wikipedia, the gorilla and the chimpanzee diverged between 4 and 6 million years ago and the earliest known members of the homo genus was around 2.3 million years ago. But let’s not quibble over details because we’ve got plenty of insanity, including some grave robbing, coming right up.

Skip ahead twenty years and little Georgie and little Mikey are all grown up and skulking around in the graveyard digging up their uncle. The cracker jack security guard proves no match for their stereotypical shovel to the back of the head. Does no one ever expect that move from a grave robber?

They need Uncle Anwar’s brain in order to bring him back to life. Unfortunately, they only brought a rather dull hacksaw, quite unfit for the job of sawing through a skull. You’d have thought they’d have brought a better tool out of respect to the body of their Uncle, but with a little work, they manage to pop the brain right out. They then read a seemingly random page from a book and next thing you know, Uncle Anwar is back to life and sounding suspiciously like Count Chocula with an Ensign Chekov accent. Back to “life” might be overstating it, but the important parts are functional. His brain and his eyeballs work just fine. His oft discussed genitals didn’t seem to make the jar, but they seemed to cause him nothing but problems in his past life anyway. Oddly, his eyeballs now seem to be attached directly to his brain. It is unknown what role the red peppers in the bottom of the jar play. Uncle Anwar is back and that’s what matters.

Good times!

To this point, Blood Diner is working off the boilerplate horror film script, escaped maniacs and grave robbing. Throw that out the window, because from this point on, things just get crazy. Syd Barrett crazy. So crazy, there is really no way to do the plot to this movie justice in seven scenes. Honestly, every single scene in the movie is worthy of attention. Writer Michael Soyne clearly had a lot of ideas and tried stuffing as many as possible into every frame of the film. Somehow it works. And works marvelously.

For the sake of simplicity, the gist of Blood Diner is that the brothers now own a restaurant serving up healthy food, the Tutman Cafe, where turkey burgers are served up to customers named Vitamin. Nothing to see here, all very normal, nothing suspicious at all, just move along. At the same time, back in the kitchen, they are attempting to bring the Goddess Sheetar back to life.

The title of the movie is Blood Diner, so I think you can guess how the diner story line will progress. What you probably don’t expect is that the brain of Uncle Anwar hangs around the busy cafe in a jar scoping out anyone in a skirt in his quest to resurrect the Goddess Sheetar. Uncle Anwar needs sluts and virgins. He also needs a blood buffet, whatever that may be. Apparently no resurrection will occur without the blood buffet.

In addition to virgins and sluts, the shopping list at the Tutman Cafe contains a few other unusual items that are a bit of a tipoff of how things are going to go:

So many questions. Why do they need to specify that the gender of the cats is irrelevant, yet no gender requirement is listed for the dogs? Are they following FDA recommendations on MSG? Can the dog dicks on the golden retrievers be counted against the needed six so that only four additional dogs need be castrated? Or must six fresh dog dicks be found? Does Burger King have a similar shopping list?

The answers to those questions are irrelevant, because, rejoice!

To this point, Blood Diner looks like a crazy horror film with a notable omission, no T&A, a staple of any 80’s flick. Fear not. From his jar in the diner, Uncle Anwar has found his sluts and virgin and is sending his nephews to bring them to him. We’re going to get to see them in all their big haired glory.

I don’t know about you, but when I think immoral girls, I think aerobics. I think jazzercize. And I think pom-poms. Apparently I’m on the same page as the brothers. So one of them (Georgie, Mikey, it really makes no difference) heads off to a dance studio in a Ronald Reagan mask (why is it always a Ronald Reagan mask?) toting a machine gun to begin collecting the necessary parts from patrons who had been in the diner earlier in the day. This has suddenly become Weird Science, constructing the perfect woman. Perhaps it’s just become plain weird.

The next five minutes of this film are why the pause button was invented for the VCR. Your taste may, and probably does, vary. But it was the 80’s and big hair and spandex were involved, both key ingredients in creating a pause-worthy scene. Over the next half hour, the pause and rewind button can be utilized liberally.

At least it can until you get to this guy who always played second fiddle to Ric Flair in the Four Horsemen.

The plot careens forward while some investigators do some investigating, a virgin remains virginal, life lessons are learned and business remains brisk at the Tutman Cafe.

Vomit is spewed, heads are deep fried, tongues are waggled (and removed), and a soul band in snappy white suits snap their fingers a lot.

Breasts are bared, caves (both literal and figurative) are explored and entendres are doubled.

Dialog is mangled, accents are experimented with, plots are advanced and scenes are over acted (I’m looking at you Chief and the rest of your department).

And most importantly, the quest for body parts continues, but with Uncle Anwar leading the way in the same sage style as Gandalf, only he didn’t heckle the hobbits quite so mercilessly as Uncle Anwar does his nephews.

But things take a hard left turn when one of the brothers enters a wrestling ring against Little Jimmy Hitler. I can only assume that since Hulkamania was running wild around this time and Rock n’ Wrestling was a thing, devoting 10 minutes of screen time to something that had no relevance to the story was included to seem hip and current.

BONUS SCENE: During the match, little Georgie chomps a giant hole into the calf of Little Jimmy Hitler. Blood squirts and is spit into the crowd, including onto the lovely Virgin Connie wearing a shirt from the Tiffany Amber Thiessen collection. It should be noted that Virgin Connie is coated with every conceivable type of fluid throughout the movie. She takes it like a champ every time. In addition, this would be a good time to note that the fashion throughout this movie is fantastic. From plaid pants of the detectives to the people at Club Dread (yes, that is Hitler now making an appearance on rhythm guitar) to the futuristic disco outfit worn by little Mikey (NSFW link), the fashion director for Blood Diner deserves an award.

The movie races to a thrilling conclusion as a rival restauranteur kidnaps Uncle Anwar. A game of hot potato, choreographed by Moe Howard, breaks out and throws a temporary monkey wrench into the brothers plans. As one would assume, he is saved. Also, as one might assume, the culprit has his hands chopped off.

These brothers are crafty and an impromptu ceremony takes place in the back of their custom van as the hour draws near for Uncle Anwar to transition to his new life as a woman. Unlike typical gender reassignment surgery, precision is not necessary to just insert a brain to reanimate a body into a new gender. The real accuracy is needed in reciting the chants to bring Sheetar back to life.

Sheetar have mercy
The Goddess have mercy
Okie Dokie Mikey

And just like that Uncle Anwar is now Aunt Anwar, more often known by her street name, Goddess Sheetar. Weekend at Bernie’s would have been a much different film if they only had Uncle Anwar and his wacky nephews around.

But we still need the blood buffet. The stage is set. The 80’s new wave music is playing and we get one final dance number where all of the important characters are strongly encouraged to wrap up their story lines.

Will the brothers live to cook another day? Will Aunt Anwar spend the next week at home exploring her new body? Can the bumbling detectives crack the case? Will the blood buffet earn a five star review on Yelp? Can an actor settle on a single accent?

Hopefully the only thing spoiled by this review has been your appetite. The only way to find out is head over to YouTube and check out Blood Diner for yourself.

http://youtu.be/B7EQz0_BUqI