Superhero Supreme

by Mary Kay Holmes on July 23, 2013

in COLUMNS, FILM, IDEAS

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Dear Zack Snyder (dude who directed Man of Steel, also a big time genius):

First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the insanely brilliant decision to add Batman into the mix in the next Superman movie.  I loved Man of Steel, and thought Henry Cavill did an amazing job, especially considering he was the only person in the entire movie (people keep asking me what I thought of the other “characters” and the “plot” and such, but I have no idea what they are talking about). Combine the genius of Cavill with the sex appeal of Batman and you have the best “safe for work” porn on the market, my friend. I am already planning to take opening day off work and have cleared my entire 2015 calendar to ensure I don’t miss it.

I would imagine you are in a bit of a tight spot, however, with this whole lack of an actor to play Batman thing. I loved Christian Bale, but it’s time for some fresh blood, and I have just the man to take his spot–Alex Pettyfer. Amazing actor, great abs, and a perfect little pouty mouth to hang out below the mask. Not only that, but the idea of Pettyfer and Cavill wrestling in muscle suits…I mean…I…is it hot in here?

In all fairness, you should probably have a couple options, and I am more than happy to audition all of them for you. How about obvious contenders like Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling? I mean, if you wanna maximize your draw, this would be a very clever way to work it. Plus they’d both look gorgeous in an embrace with Cavill–if you choose to go that direction. Again, I’ll try these combos out for you and report back.

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Now is when you say, “Batman is more than a pretty face, sultry eyes, and a devious smile.” But is he? Let’s be honest, superheroes are porn for agoraphobic nerds and married women. Who else fantasizes about a man in spandex swooping in to save them from their exhausting routines, microwave quesadillas, and elastic waist pants? I can guarantee my husband spends exactly ZERO seconds a day thinking about how hot Man of Steel was, where I may kill an entire hour pretending the UPS guy is actually in disguise.  The only thing this movie needs is Wolverine in low slung, ripped jeans and a scene involving all three men falling into some sort of muddy volcano in the rain. I’ll leave the script to you, but I’m full of ideas if you need someone to throw the ole spitball around with. Feel free to substitute a shower scene for the rain if you feel the creative flow is better.  You’re the expert!

Thanks again for making this happen, as it’s been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I meant what I said about helping out–wardrobe fittings, creative script analysis, wrestling choreography…I’m your girl. Plus you can pay me in Cavill/Pettyfer Manwich hugs, so it’s a win for the budget as well. Hurray!

Looking forward to our first meeting!

xo Mary Kay

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Mary Kay Holmes (Sr. Contributing Editor, Los Angeles)

Mary Kay Holmes runs an empire called Daily Hot Guy and dares you to download the iPhone app so you can join her in a world where there is an abundance of gorgeous men, chocolate and cocktails.Check out the iPhone app in iTunes!Handsome men are awesome.www.dailyhotguy.com

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