South Mistakes 4 Inches of Snow for End Times – 10 Driving Safety Tips

by Tony Acquaviva on February 13, 2014

in COLUMNS, COMEDY, IDEAS, LISTS

snowstorm raleigh nc 2014

It was absolute Thunderdome in North Carolina today. Now that the sun has set, people are abandoning their cars and eating one another on the street, in a humiliating orgy of crushed Camaro quarter panels and pink snow. The following is how to survive moderate snowfall (which is what this is). Pay attention, The South, I’m handing out pearls here:

1. Stop running your hazard lights, you goddam knobs. Hazard lights deactivate your turn signals and make you seem like you deserve special attention. It’s not necessary; this isn’t volcanic ash.

hazard light no

2. Drive at 1/3 the posted speed.

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3. Keep a 5-second following distance, or greater.

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4 and 5. Brake gently and well in advance of obstacles. Things that are 1000 feet away are definitely your problem. Maintain laser focus. At the first sign of trouble, pulse your brakes 4 times a second at HALF-strength, and don’t stop doing it. Each pulse is a new opportunity for your tires to gain traction. If you stand on your brakes, you will never get a grip and you’ll become a story on the news.

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6. Maintain “equilibrium.” Traveling on snow is about keeping your wheels moving at the same speed and direction as the road beneath. This can always be achieved by taking YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS and steering in precisely the same direction as the skid, Jed. If you steer in the opposite direction, you’ll lose equilibrium and become a story on the news.

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7. If you’re spinning wheels trying to get uphill, here’s a novel idea: Try going backward a few yards to a fresh spot and trying again. In a ditch, rock forward and aft.

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8. Keep your headlights on (always), rear defroster on, and windshield defroster heat on full. What are you, an idiot?

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9. In a manual trans, get out of a standstill in 2nd gear (uses lower torque than 1st), and travel in 3rd gear. In an automatic, get moving in 1, and STAY in 1, not D, on residential streets. Gear changes cause loss of equilibrium.

stick shift

10. If you can’t do 9 things simultaneously, stay home. Some of us are trying to find a store with deviled eggs.

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Tony Acquaviva

Since the time of the Void, he rode the albino sabre-toothed pega-corn across the Polyverse. His scepter held the power of 50 quasars. In the 90s and 20-hundreds, he was one of Earth's highest-rated radio personalities, at stations such as WHFS, WIYY, and WBAB. Bethesda, MD native, Tony Acquaviva, is now a housewife and HD editor in Chapel Hill, NC. There is a son...

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