How to Stalk a Grizzly

Jay Hood takes us along to Alaska as he gets perilously close to some of Earth’s most dangerous creatures. TS

Step One: Board small aircraft in Alaska.

 

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Step Two: Activate adrenal glands by flying over active volcano in poor conditions.

 

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Step Three: Locate isolated piece of land as far away from human activity as possible.

 

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Step Four: Test functionality of hip waders by jumping off pontoon of plane into frigid water.

 

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Step Five: Hike a not insignificant distance across rocks, over sand and through tall wet grass.

 

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Step Six: Stand around with binoculars looking for bears while hip waders slowly fill with water.

 

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Step Seven: Locate bears. Contemplate difference between playing and fighting.

 

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Step Eight: Come to realization neither is optimal and instead find bear out for a leisurely stroll.

 

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Step Nine: Let the bear get used to your presence by trailing along at an increasingly closer distance while wondering if the bear is as miserable in the rain as we are.

 

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Step Ten: Wait for bear to turn its back and eat. Use whatever stealth possible while wearing nylon rain gear to move in closer.

 

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Step Eleven: Spend an appropriate amount of time pondering nutritional values of grass versus human.

 

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Step Twelve: Conclude grass isn’t that filling. Decide to move on.

 

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Step Thirteen: Pause to determine if bird watching might not be a more sensible activity.

 

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Step Fourteen: Spot bear on beach eating clams. Evaluate distance and effort to approach versus temperament of bear.

 

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Step Fifteen: Make obligatory joke about only needing to be faster than slowest person. Make mental calculations anyway.

 

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Step Sixteen: Recalculate based on starting from a prone position lying on stomach.

 

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Step Seventeen: Watch clam juice squirt bear on nose. Pray that does not anger bear.

 

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Step Eighteen: Avoid direct eye contact. Oooops.

 

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Step Nineteen: Stand up and slowly retreat.

 

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Step Twenty: Walk slowly, very slowly, away.

 

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Step Twenty One: Thank pilot and guide from Emerald Air Service for not making us lunch.