How to Stalk a Grizzly

by Jay Hood on May 10, 2013

in ME AND..., PICTURES, SHALL WE?, TRAVEL, VIDEO

Jay Hood takes us along to Alaska as he gets perilously close to some of Earth’s most dangerous creatures. TS

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Step One: Board small aircraft in Alaska.

 


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Step Two: Activate adrenal glands by flying over active volcano in poor conditions.

 


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Step Three: Locate isolated piece of land as far away from human activity as possible.

 


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Step Four: Test functionality of hip waders by jumping off pontoon of plane into frigid water.

 


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Step Five: Hike a not insignificant distance across rocks, over sand and through tall wet grass.

 


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Step Six: Stand around with binoculars looking for bears while hip waders slowly fill with water.

 


Step Seven: Locate bears. Contemplate difference between playing and fighting.

 


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Step Eight: Come to realization neither is optimal and instead find bear out for a leisurely stroll.

 


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Step Nine: Let the bear get used to your presence by trailing along at an increasingly closer distance while wondering if the bear is as miserable in the rain as we are.

 


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Step Ten: Wait for bear to turn its back and eat. Use whatever stealth possible while wearing nylon rain gear to move in closer.

 


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Step Eleven: Spend an appropriate amount of time pondering nutritional values of grass versus human.

 


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Step Twelve: Conclude grass isn’t that filling. Decide to move on.

 


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Step Thirteen: Pause to determine if bird watching might not be a more sensible activity.

 


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Step Fourteen: Spot bear on beach eating clams. Evaluate distance and effort to approach versus temperament of bear.

 


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Step Fifteen: Make obligatory joke about only needing to be faster than slowest person. Make mental calculations anyway.

 


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Step Sixteen: Recalculate based on starting from a prone position lying on stomach.

 


Step Seventeen: Watch clam juice squirt bear on nose. Pray that does not anger bear.

 


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Step Eighteen: Avoid direct eye contact. Oooops.

 


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Step Nineteen: Stand up and slowly retreat.

 


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Step Twenty: Walk slowly, very slowly, away.

 


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Step Twenty One: Thank pilot and guide from Emerald Air Service for not making us lunch.

Jay Hood (Section Chief Shea Garage/Contributing Editor)

Jay Hood has lived in Baltimore, Maryland for the past 25 years.  He likes to travel and is an avid photographer.  His photography has been featured in several obscure and unassuming locations, such as John Ball Zoological Gardens.  He does not eat vegetables and is learning to enjoy seafood.  He strives to keep his DVR no more than 40% full.  Comfort is paramount and he is not above a little slacking.

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