Erick Erickson Gifts for Father’s Day

by Katy McCaffrey on June 12, 2013

in COLUMNS, COMEDY

father-knows-bestWell, Father’s Day is right around the corner and since so many of you thanked me for my help when it came to Mother’s Day gift giving, I’m back with my helpful tips for finding that perfect something for Dad.

Since I’m not dad though, this list was a little harder for me to write up. So, for guidance, I turned to indisputable man and world renowned moron, Erick Erickson.

For those unfamiliar with Erickson, he is the misogynist who went on television recently in reaction to a Pew Research Poll report about how more moms are becoming the primary breadwinners in their family. He was not in favor of the trend and backed up his opinion by saying:

“When you look at biology — when you look at the natural world — the roles of a male and a female in society and in other animals, the male typically is the dominant role. The female, it’s not antithesis, or it’s not competing, it’s a complementary role.”

Which he later clarified on his blog with:

“In many, many animal species, the male and female of the species play complementary roles, with the male dominant in strength and protection and the female dominant in nurture. It’s the female who tames the male beast.”

Since Erickson must be a learned man with the science to back him up, I decided the best way to understand what dads want, especially what they’d want for Father’s Day, would be to discover the dominant and complementary animal that they most resemble.

THE HONEY BADGER

honey-badger 9

The dad and mom honey badger forage for the same amount of food every day – how complimentary! But the male consumes all his food by himself while the mom shares one-third to one-half of her food with her cub. Well, I guess this wasn’t the “biology” Erickson was referring to but if this does sound like the dad in your life can I suggest these delightful plates that only hold enough food for one or this fun novelty t-shirt.

duo food shirt

THE JACANA

the jacuma

A dad Jacana, a bird found in tropical regions, takes the lead in constructing the home for his unborn children – how dominant! They then join the many other fathers in their spouse’s harem while the mother of their unborn eggs defends all the men from predators and collects all the food. Oh, also those homes they construct are “usually flimsy and float on uneasy vegetation.” Certainly the Jacana is an example of a “female taming the male beast” but it does seem to be sort of the opposite of the point Erickson was trying to make. Dang. Well, if the Jacana sounds like your kind of dad how about a helpful book on home improvement or a copy of HBO’s award winning series Big Love?

duo home imporvement

Maybe something in the under-water world is more what Erickson was thinking…

THE SAND GOBY

The sand gobyThe Sand Goby dad is a coastal fish that breeds most often in the spring. The female Sand Goby lays the eggs and the male Sand Goby then stands (swims) watch over the eggs. Well, that DOES feel complimentary and even a little male-dominant, what with him protecting the eggs and all…However, the Sand Goby male is also known to eat any of the big eggs because they take the longest to hatch and he does not want to be stuck watching the kids for that long. That’s not what he signed up for with this whole “kids-thing” and since mom is nowhere to be found at this point what else is a guy goby to do?

due sanwich sitter

I really thought we might have had it with the Goby, but that can’t possibly be the kind of familial trend Erickson thought we should model our society after. For anyone with a Goby-Daddy, however might I recommend a delicious grilled bacon egg and cheese breakfast in bed (so he’s not in the mood for any other eggs) or the number to sitter city!

THE SEA HORSE

It’s true that even without any research I knew the male seahorse is not an example of the nature Erickson was trying to find, but what list about father animals would be complete without the Seahorse? The guy is a machine! For days on end he takes his lady out dancing, then when SHE’s finally ready, they do the horizontal mambo for 8 hours. She thanks him for his prowess by giving him all her eggs so he can carry and give birth to them. Yup, he gets the swollen ankles, the midnight cravings, the stretch marks and the gaping…egg sac pouch. And in return, his mate stays with him for all their lives. She stands by her man because she knows a good deal when she sees it. If you have a dad like this guy please give him anything he wants for Father’s Day! I’d recommend a Rolex, or my phone number!

duo watch

THE HUMAN

davidMy husband, father to our two adorable children, is coming up on his fifth father’s day this year. During the course of our marriage there have been times when he’s earned more money and times when I’ve earned more money. There have been times when he’s earned all the money and vice versa. There are days when our kids only see mommy, and days when they only see daddy, and there have even been days when they only see their Auntie because mommy and daddy needed a friggin’ break. Our family works, our children are loved, our marriage is good.

If you have a dad in your life that is this kind of guy; a guy who mostly gets it right, who loves you and your kids, who supports you and doesn’t go on national television and behave like a back-water moron, then keep it simple and special. I’d recommend a picture from the kids and a ticket to a matinee showing of Superman.

duo kids superman

And if you have a dad in your life that happens to actually be Erick Erickson, please give him this:

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Katy McCaffrey (Contributing Editor, Los Angeles)

Katy is a mother, a wife, and a TV producer, mostly in that order. Once she wrote some sarcastic things next to some pictures a guy took with her stolen iPhone. She was then semi-well known for three days afterwards. If You Must Know is what’s happened to her since then.

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