Dirty Depp

by Mary Kay Holmes on May 13, 2013

in COLUMNS, FILM, IN PRAISE OF..., LISTS, VIDEO

mary kayWomen love filthy men. Covered in dirt and sweat, climbing out of the mines, and with that sexy look in their eyes they walk toward you and kiss you like they need to quench their thirst with your embrace–smelling of pine needles and the salt of the earth, he picks you up and carries you off into the sunset… In our minds this sounds amazing, but the reality is that dude stinks to high heaven, hasn’t brushed his teeth, and will probably get grease all over your new white jeans. Despite the reality, we keep coming back to this fantasy again and again. One of my personal favorites is Johnny Depp; man does that guy do homeless chic with flair. Sexy and stinky, would you still hook up with him in a bar? Let’s investigate a few of his top hits:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Raoul Duke)

Sure he’s handsome, but he’s armed and on a cocktail of hallucinogenic drugs at all times. If he doesn’t leave you in the desert or run over you with his car, he may forget who you are. IF you are lucky enough to get near him, you’ll have to pluck the cigarette from his gross teeth and kiss an ashtray. Watch out for mescaline vomit! So sexy.

Sleepy Hollow (Ichabod Crane)

I love a man in a sweaty, million layer, filthy suit. Who knows when he last washed it, and who cares? Since everyone pooped in holes in the backyard and walked through rivers of pee in the streets, why bother washing the parasites off your pant legs when you can spend that time picking lice out of your hair? At least you’ll both have typhoid fever by the time you are 20, so live it up while you are young and kiss that mouth full of rotten teeth and meat breath!

Chocolat (Roux)

Holy hell he looks hot in his blazer and khakis, but when was the last time that rat tail hit the showers? Gypsies preferred music to hygene, much like the grunge movement of the 1990’s, so channel your inner Lollapalooza hippie and hook up with the dude using patchouli to hide his B.O. Fingers crossed the legends of transients being cannibals isn’t true! Did I mention they didn’t wear underwear and drank parasite ridden river water?

Sweeney Todd

I think this one is kinda obvious–the dude carves people up and turns them into sausage. I’d venture to say he’s one comb short of a multi-pack–Oprah would tell you to steer clear of this one, as he definitely has commitment issues. IF you can keep him from murdering you (good luck), you’ll have to contend with rage and probably a good dose of scabies and cholera. Nothing is quite as sexy as diarrhea. Nothing. Then there is the OBVIOUS favorite…

Pirates of the Caribbean (Jack Sparrow)

Look, ladies, he’s a pirate. The man’s job is to rape and pillage, and I don’t think I need to tell you about the amount of travel involved. The dude is never around, and when he is, he’s drunk. Imagine, if you will, being greeted by a swarthy rogue who hasn’t bathed in months, has the nastiest halitosis dancing between his 3 remaining teeth you have ever smelled, and one of many fun little STDs waiting for you if you can hold your breath long enough. Sure he’s adorable, but so is my dog, and he eats his own poo. Still wanna hit that? Yeah, I know, me too. Sigh.

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Mary Kay Holmes (Sr. Contributing Editor, Los Angeles)

Mary Kay Holmes runs an empire called Daily Hot Guy and dares you to download the iPhone app so you can join her in a world where there is an abundance of gorgeous men, chocolate and cocktails.Check out the iPhone app in iTunes!Handsome men are awesome.www.dailyhotguy.com

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